My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
