My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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