Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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