3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
