He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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