apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
