i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
