he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
