Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
