I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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