found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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