If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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