Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
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What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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