I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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