A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
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So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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