wrigley field is MILF paradise
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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