Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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