I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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