Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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