and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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