The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
is wine microwaveable?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
