You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
