I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I won the penis lottery.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
