So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
