I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
