I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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