she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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