My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Small penises have feelings too.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
