Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
