i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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