speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
