sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I think I have vodka in my lungs
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
