history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
