She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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