My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
