Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
