Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
only you would photoshop your dick
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
