At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
