he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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