ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My vagina is officially offended.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
