Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
