i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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