From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
