Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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