this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
