Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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