I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
