I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
