hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
