If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
