So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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