mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
