Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
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I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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