Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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