I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
