Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
