Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
