did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
