What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
