shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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