Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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